21. -
Tom: I'm gonna to come back and I'm going to start a therapeutic massage center only for, for...
Mark: I'm going to start my own nudist colony!
Tom: That would be gross, you tried that in our bus one time.
Mark: I tried to start our own nudist colony one time in our bus and it was pretty much just me hanging out naked.
22. -
Mark: They love you Tom.
Tom: They love me so f**k everybody else!
Mark: Yea f**k all you guys out there that are cheering, "we hate you Tom, you suck dick burn in hell."
Tom: Yea f**k that. Hey I say, I say "f**k the hating Tom thing" that's what I say. Are we ready Mark?
Mark: You know what it is, you know what it is? A lot of these people are just now hopping on the we hate Tom bandwagon, like I've been hating Tom since like 1995 I'm old school hating Tom guy alright.
23. -
Tom: Oh shit, hey let's all say some dirty words, everyone say "f**k!" everyone say "shit!" everyone say "dick!" everyone say "Mark's an asshole!"
Mark: Everyone say, everyone say "we hate Mark!" Yeah!
Tom: Hey now let's do this one, everyone say "f**k f**k shit f**k!" That's the kind of words you should be using at home kids.
Mark: That's right.
Tom: What do we do now?
Mark: I want everyone to call me an asshole again!
24. -
Tom: What's up! I like your hair, it's very nice.
Mark: You like his hair oh cool thanks he probably appreciates that a lot.
Tom: I wanted to say I liked your butt, but I thought that was to forward, you know.
25. -
Mark: Hey this next song is for all the ladies in the hezous...yea it's for all the ladies in the heoueouzeous.
Tom: Mark!
Mark: What?
Tom: Shut the f**k up!
Mark: It's for all the ladies in the houaezious.
26. -
Mark: Wheee! Hey you know what, hang on I wanna make this like a big golf -
Tom: (burp) Exuse me!
Mark: Excuse Tom.
Tom: Sorry.
Mark: I wanna make this like a big golf tournament everyone shut up everybody just clap like it's a golf tournament.
Tom: That's what it sounds like when I get done having sex, 15,000 people cheering me on. I could take all of you in my bed right f**king now! But you're not invited Mark.
27. -
Tom: You have got giant boobs and I doubt you're eighteen, do you have a note from your mom? I wanna meet your mom.
Mark: Hey put those thirteen year old boobs away! If I wanted to see thirteen year old boobs, I'd hang out by the junior high like my dad like my dad does.
28. -
Tom: Hey you know what I learned in fifth grade?
Mark: What's that, your dad has a bent weiner?
Tom: My dad's weiner was bigger than mine then and still is.
29. -
Mark: I want everyone here to scream, "f**k you Tom, we f**king hate you you're going to burn in hell and die a horrible firery death cause we think you're a stupid piece of shit!"
Tom: I heard that!
Mark: Thanks.
30. -
Tom: You want to give me your shirt? This smells like blood and feces. Dinner time! Ok what does this say here?
Mark: It smells like blood and feces, so it's your dad's shirt?
31. -
Tom: Hey uh just like every other band we believe in a safe form of sex don't we Mark? That we do. So Mark's going to tell you about how safe we are.
Mark: Let me tell you about the safest form of sex, it's when you get super drunk and you have sex with like ten people totally unprotected and you do intervenous drugs at the same time, no it's not true.
Tom: It's not true you've got to carry a weapon.
Mark: Its not, it's not true.
32. -
Tom: How many of you guys have girlfriends and how many of you girlfriends have guyfriends? I hope you're not having sex.
Mark: And more importantly how many of you girlfriends have girlfriends?
Tom: Cause we believe in the love that exists between two vaginas.
Mark: The most special kind of love of all is the love that exists between two naked women while I watch!
33. -
Tom: We need her to put her shirt back on.
Mark: Please.
Tom: It just took away my boner, my boner just died, I had one and now it's gone! Hey Mark -
Mark: Please I saw your boobs and my wiener ran away.
34. -
Mark: Hey! Hey, hang on everyone everyone seriously I need your attention for just a second please, I think somebody lost a contact down here so everyone look around a contact lense hey someone lost a contact lense so uh...
Tom: I lost my virinity!
Mark: Keep an eye out for it!
Tom: I lost a testicle, hey what if testicles were things you could lose on a everyday basis? That would suck, you've only got three.
35. -
Tom: Hey I've got to go peepee.
Mark: Do you want to go pee and I'll talk to the kids for a second?
Tom: Do you think you can talk for enough time?
Mark: No uh uh.
Tom: Why don't you gather your thoughts -
Mark: Why don't you just wet your pants and we'll call it even.
Tom: Should I just piss in my pants right here? If you guys all each pitch in a dollar each I'll piss my pants right here and now, that should bring me about two hundred bucks maybe.
Mark: I'll give you three hundred dollars to piss your pants right now.
Tom: I'll give you four hundred bucks to eat my shit!
Mark: Sold!
Tom: Sold!
36. -
Tom: Apparently there's a kid that's hurt right now and I think they're helping them out right now, it looks like they're right there.
Mark: Make a hole people, make a hole.
Tom: All you people over there make way for the hurt kid and bring me their wallet.
37. -
Mark: I wish now you know let me tell you guys something -
Tom: I'm gay!
Mark: There's thousands and thousands of people here today there's like semis and f**king buses and multiple bands and all kinds of shit, I wish now I would have taken bass lessons, sorry sorry.
Tom: So do I, I wish you did too.
Mark: I'm thinking for Christmas next year I'm going to ask for lessons.
38. -
- Song -
Tom: I know a guy, he has sex with his sister, he used his dick to pop her four foot blister, and I know it's not that cool, he f**ked her in my swimming pool, he's got three testicles, and he loves to...do shit.
- End of song -
Tom: F**k yea! Hey how come every time we say a joke it has to be about f**king, sex, masturbation, insest, or anything gross like that you know?
Mark: Is there anything else in the world?
Tom: There's nothing else to talk about!
39. -
Mark: Hey can you help that little girl out of there she's not having so much fun right now, hey.
Tom: Uh exuse me, security guard sir.
Mark: The one right in front of you, yea.
Tom: Yea that girl right there needs to come out. If you're a small person the front is not the best view, and if you hate seeing shitty bands any of this is not a good view, this whole everything, everything here.
40. -
Tom: Mark's middle name is uh...Rebecca, they thought he was a -
Mark: That's right, my middle name's Rebecca because my dad wanted a girl, he treats me like one.
41. -
Tom: I still have to go pee and I'm holding it in still, I'll piss my pants though for money. I'll eat a nugget of my own poop for twenty bucks. I'll pay you twenty bucks and I'll eat it.
42. -
Mark: You shave your ass!
Tom: You have hair on nothing but your balls! You got - Mark has no hair on his whole body but a f**king wolverine growning in his pants, I swear to God, it's got teeth and shit.
Mark: It's true.
Tom: He's got a scary looking penis.
Mark: It's true, I need your tax deductable donations for the shave Mark's balls program, please.
Tom: It's for charity kids.
Mark: Please send what you can, donate your time.
Tom: You guys think that we're touring for our own, no this is a charity tour for Mark's balls.
Mark: We're trying to raise enough money to shave my nuts, please give generously.
Tom: There's no metal strong enough to be the teeth on any kind of electric shaver.
43. -
Tom: What do we do now, oh I need a new guitar.
Mark: We need a new guitar. We need a new guitarist. Anyone out there no how to play guitar? Oh, that guys does right there.
Tom: Does anybody know how to play guitar cause I'm not very good! People don't really respect me!
44. -
Mark: If I were a girl, every time I went to the gynecologist, I'd fake an orgasm!
45. -
Tom: Bad kids.
Mark: Bad Christmas spirit.
Tom: Bad Christmas spirit.
Mark: Hey! Ok I need light now.
Tom: We're going to point out every single person that didn't sing.
Mark: Santa Claus is going to come to your house and shit under all your trees!
Tom: Santa Claus is going to come rape your dogs!
46. -
Tom: Oh God, you know what? I'm kind of ashamed of being myself today, and yesterday and the day before that, not really pround of who I am or how I look. Anyone have one of those days were you don't even really like what you're wearing, you know, you don't like how your hair looks, and kind of bummed about how your penis is so small and bent and wierd.
47. -
Tom: That is the ugliest but I have ever seen. Let's hear it for not wiping! And this guy f**k wiping dude, brings down the rain forest! Ok this is a song I wrote -
Mark: That guy has a science fair project up his ass.
48. -
Tom: Uh what? Heads up seven up? Everyone close your eyes and if I come by and put my finger in your butt, you're the one.
49. -
Tom: I think that Satan has a couple of comments.
Mark/Satan: Well kids it's been a really fun show, and I want you all to know that we'll come back soon. But before I go I want to say I think Tom is extemely good looking and all the girls out there should think he's good looking. Tom has one of the best butts that I've ever seen! Shimi shimi coco puff shimi shimi right shimi shimi coco puff haha... Does anybody here want to sleep with me? I'm really a nice guy! It's really not Satan -
Tom: It's me it's not Satan let's all be happy he's not here, say "f**k Satan!" Alright, hey, I'm out of jokes and out of songs, I think we're done.
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